So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
