my phone needs a breathalizer
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
