i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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