Whod you bang
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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