I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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