i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
