He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
