She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
