Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
