Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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