My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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