yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
