I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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