i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
