mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
