How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize