Tell her she can't have a vagina
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
