Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
