You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
