Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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