I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
