matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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