Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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