I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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