My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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