Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
