and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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