I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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