he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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