as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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