I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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