I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
