My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
