I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
