her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
