Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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