If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
