Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
