Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
