I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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