Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
