Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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