I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
