Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
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Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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