i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
