Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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