You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
