I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
