Im at strip club and am horny
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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