Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
A bitchslap is in order.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
