Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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