I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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