My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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