So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
