When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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