sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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