Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
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