i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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